Marriage Myths
Thank you for your interest in my latest project: Marriage Myths!
Below are the 10 myths I see playing out again and again in relationships.
This is just a summary and I invite your comments and feedback!
If you would like to explore these myths more fully, you can read my book,
"You Complete Me and Other Myths that Destroy Happily Every After,"
attend a workshop or seminar in a city near you, or purchase a DVD of my lecture on this topic.
For more information, visit www.MythsAboutMarriage.com.
| Myth | What it looks like in a relationship |
| You Complete Me | You're shy and he's outgoing. You're a dreamer and he keeps it real. Each of you sees in the other your missing part. It's great until the very qualities that brought you together start driving you crazy! He went from being level-headed to boring. She went from being quirky and unique to being irresponsible and flakey! If people look to each other to replace what's missing in themselves, the relationship is bound to get in trouble. |
| Marriage Will Change Him (aka: I can fix him!) | The reality is that marriage will not change someone's core values, beliefs, or behaviors. If there's too much drinking, fighting, or flirting now, it's going to continue after the wedding. Pay attention to what is real. Would you expect a dog to turn into a cat? Of course not. Would you buy a red car if you really wanted blue? Trust me, the red car is not going to magically turn blue over time, and the dog is going to stay a dog. |
| If He Would Be Perfect, I Would Be Happy | If you find yourself blaming your unhappiness on his faults, you've got trouble. Beware of the laundry list of reasons why he isn't being the partner you need him to be. He doesn't go out enough. He doesn't make enough money. He is too controlling. He smells funny. Once you've got a laundry list, you're in trouble. |
| The Barter Economy Myth (aka, I want my Happily Ever After -- Trade you for it!) | If I take care of the house and kids, you'll take care of me. Forever. Couples with a very rigid division of responsibility are often operating under a barter economy. They are trading services as part of their agreement to stay together. The trouble is that time can change people -- what you want, what's important to you, and how you believe you need to spend your time. Women may question their identity once children have been launched. Men may question their commitment once they've met their professional goals. |
| We'll Be Happen When... | This is like the Barter Economy, only the couple is not bargaining with each other, they are bargaining with life. The two of them both buy into the notion of sacrifice today for the benefit of tomorrow. In reasonable doses, this makes sense. But to allow misery to build up under the hope of being happy some day doesn't work, because you won't make it to someday! One or both of you will be burned out before you get there. |
| Children Will Bring Us Closer Together | No they won't. In fact, they'll add to the stressors in your life, take away from your leisure time, and spend all your money. God Bless The Children. We love them, and they enrich our lives in ways we could never imagine. But you and your partner's short comings will be revealed through the demands of parenting, such as laziness, stupidity, and "anger management" issues. No, your children won't bring you closer together. In fact, if your relationship has issues, children will provide you with a big powerful magnifying glass and a bright light to shine on all the cracks in the foundation. |
| Love Will Keep Us Together | "But we love each other!" How much abuse has been endured under this heading? Love seems to give people an excuse to stay with the ones who hurt them the most. It's the co-dependent's battle cry! Love gives you the opportunity for a life together, but if it cannot be a life with dignity and mutual respect, move along. |
| My Spouse Is PERFECT! | No he's not. No she's not. No one is. And they shouldn't have to be. If you believe your spouse is perfect, something is out of balance. Why would you want or need a perfect partner? Because of what it says about you? Because it allows you to be irresponsible? Putting another human being on a pedastal is a terrible thing to do. |
| He Knows Me Better Than I know Myself | If this is true, it's because of one of two reasons. Either you are just intrapersonally lazy and can't be bothered to get to know yourself, or it's because you've been punished for having a mind of your own, and so you've learned to defer to the expertise of others. Either way, it ain't good. No one should be more fascinated by you than YOU! And no one should know you better! |
| We Can Get Past This and Back to Where We Were | No you can't. I wish I could pretty that up for you. Your relationship isn't the same after a betrayal, a tragedy, a trauma. It can't be because YOU can't be. Sure, time can heal some wounds. But time gives other wounds the opportunity to fester, become gangrenous, and require amputation. There is not getting over and moving on, like the event was a hurdle in a race and you need to stay in the same lane on the same track to be happy. The event takes you onto a new course. Your life will change because YOU will change; your perspective will change. And good, because as scary as change is, you will also find new things to love on this new course. Even if the players stay the same, the game will feel totally different to you, because you will be experiencing it from a place of new wisdom and strength! |